My wake-up call(s)

Most moms (and some dads) have all been woken early in the morning (by early I mean 5 minutes before your alarm clock rings) by a faraway voice calling, "Mom..."-30 second pause-"Mom..."-30 more seconds-"Mom..."
You lift your heavy head and squint at the digital clock and inwardly cringe, oh jeez, could I just have 5 more minutes?
This is what I awoke to last Friday morning, hearing my youngest child follow-up with the magic words, "Can you wipe me?"
I dropped my head and shuddered...can this really be happening? Then I heard the magic words again and thought two things: 1)This really is happening and 2)He's old enough to start wiping his own rear.
So I got up and this is how I started my day. After lunch, I dropped onto the bed for, hopefully, a short snooze. Peter usually uses this time to play quietly or watch t.v. I don't get to do it everyday, but I workout for a living and get tired. I take advantage when I can, right?!
No sooner than I had finally dozed off into a nice slumber...I hear, "Mom..."-30 seconds-"Mom..."-30 more seconds-"Mom...Can you wipe me?"
I lift my groggy head and look at the clock. I'd been asleep for about 4 minutes and once again, think to myself, can this really be happening? HOW is this possible?
Nevertheless, I persevered and just tried to remind myself that I should just be thankful that Peter, who is usually constipated, was very regular today.

SO, the next day, Saturday, started out much better. I got up when I wanted, showered, dressed and headed downstairs to make breakfast for the kiddos.
---I should explain here that Caleb has a "new" hobby of clipping coupons. He likes to make collections (of any sort) and decided to make a coupon collection. Mostly he has coupons for tanning salons, vinyl siding, and Mexican food...he doesn't care at all what it is, as long as it is a coupon.---
OK, so I'm pouring the cereal and Caleb is telling me all about his coupons. Then he says, "I'll save the sex coupons for you, if you want them." My eyebrows raise and I turn to him, now giving my FULL attention.
"The SEX coupons?", I ask.
"Yeah, the sex coupons.", he replies. At this point I try to not look alarmed in any way and politely ask him what the heck he is talking about. He is standing next to me and gently reaches up to touch my hair. He explains,
"You know, your hair isn't smooth enough, your skin isn't smooth enough, you don't wear red, scarlet skirts, and THOSE are not nearly big enough" he says, motioning towards my chest.
My face remained deadpan, I think, while in my mind, I'm thinking again...is this really happening? Am I ACTUALLY HEARING this right?
"These?" I reply, also motioning to my chest. "My breasts???" I say, just to make absolutely certain we are talking about the same thing.
"Yeah, your breasts" he replies.
At this point, I actually BIT my tongue and tried to focus on pouring the milk into the cereal bowl. After we sat down at the table to eat I told him to hold onto his seat because a lecture was coming. The sweet thing about kids is that they are just so darned innocent. He had no idea a lecture was coming and had no clue that anything might be amiss. Anyway, I started explaining that most breast tissue is adipose tissue made up of fat and that since, at the moment, I only have like 14% body fat, etc., etc. You get the picture. I'm sure what he heard was, "Blah, blah, blah, 14% blah blah blah." Like the teacher in Charlie Brown.
Anyway, he only stung me one more time in that conversation as I was trying to explain to him how a lot of really skinny women have fake breasts, and that's ok for them, but I don't want surgery, etc., etc. Anyway, I said, "You see, most women who are really thin but have big breasts-"
"Are HOT" he interrupted.
"And...we're done here" I interjected as I quickly stood to leave.
This, my friends, is how I started my Saturday.
One good thing: I used one of his coupons to get a dozen free donuts from Dunkin'Donuts. I ate at least four of them myself...gotta pack on some of that adipose tissue!